09.08.01
The MTV Video Music Awards From The Couch
Fred Gets Dissed, Wes Gets Praised
Last night was filled to the brim with shameless promoting and the wearing of the tartiest of garbs. No, it�s not just another night on the street corner � get your filthy minds out of the gutter. You unlucky ones � or lucky in most cases � out and about and drinking missed three and a half hours of the painfully long MTV 2001 Music Video Awards.
Now, almost every single one of the awards shows that�s broadcast on national television, from the bloated Oscars to the infantile People�s Choice, is long-winded, but you�d think that the over-inflated egos and musicality, or lack thereof, of MTV-friendly musicians would be enough to keep yourself glued.
Sadly, each year steadily gets worse. Aside from the fitting, quick memorial to recently deceased R&B star Aaliyah, there were too a few highlights from last night. And despite all the "No Surprise" awards that were handed out, there are others that were unfortunately missed. As such we've decided it�s our job to hand out the MTV awards that truly matter to the public:
The "Shameless Selling Of My Shit" Award
Nominees are:
- Macy Gray for looking like a wrapped piece of sushi, wearing that tight sandwich bag of a dress that proclaimed "The Id Drops Sept. 18," with her ass labeled, "Buy it!"
- Fred Durst for being the suit and tie yuppie that he is � without the suit and tie � plugging his own record label�s band by wearing a Puddle Of Mudd shirt.
- Busta Rhymes shouting out his upcoming album, Genesis, even before he started the schmaltzy interplay between him and Latin star Shakira.
Winner: By a landslide Macy Gray
The "I�m Gonna Start Me A New Fashion Trend" Award
Nominees:
- Outkast for the one-two punch of fuzzy pink Gouchos courtesy of Big Boi and the funky ensemble of green hat and patchwork outfit from Dre.
- Nikka Costa and Sheryl Crow wearing what could only be described as a cowgirl�s nightmare, but a cowboy�s wet dream.
- Pop virginal princess Jessica Simpson who�s slowly turning into Belinda Carlisle, opting for the �80s sweater off the shoulder, short skirt and big-ass belt look.
- Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson who looked like a greased-up, cross-dressing Michael Jackson with his half-black, half-white leather jacket and matching black skirt.
Winner: Outkast. So fresh and so clean, indeed�
The "I�m Going To Make This Pussy Show Rock" Award
Nominees:
- Limp Bizkit�s Wes Borland onstage break into Iron Maiden�s "Wasted Years" when they accepted for Best Rock Video for "Rollin�."
- *NSYNC�s J.C. doing his own scary interpretive dance onstage as they accepted an award, while his band members were shamefully oblivious to it all.
- Host Jamie Foxx�s subtle slam to *NSYNC�s Justin Timberlake after Britney Spear�s performance sugesting that Timberlake had better have sex with her soon since he was getting "jungle fever" and actually "F-U-X."
Winner: Borland for the way excellent "Wasted Years." Most excellent.
The "I Am So Over" Award
Nominees:
- Kid Rock proving that he truly is one of the most pathetic rock stars, with shout-outs and finger points to P. Diddy and an attempt at sauciness to Missy Elliott ("Hey, Missy! That�s right, baby."
- Michael Jackson performing with *NSYNC. At 43 years of age � and wearing the exact same black and white ensemble he�s ALWAYS worn � his moonwalking moves are as old and worn out as his nose.
- Britney Spears. How many times must we see the over-hang of her breasts out of her push-ups? And what was up with the tigers and her white trash genie outfit?
Winner: Kid Rock� no�. Michael Jackson� no� Kid Rock�
