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        Off Topic Board >> Off Topic Board >> I live in the numbness now, in the background
        
(Message started by: Christian on Nov 23^rd, 2006, 4:52am)

Title: I live in the numbness now, in the background
Post by Christian on Nov 23^rd, 2006, 4:52am

I had to put this somewhere where no party involved could find it. I couldn't just set it aside in my room, for some selfish reason I needed it to be read. Thank you for indulging me.

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There is a strange thing - do you know what? I am in the night. There is a being who has gone away and carried the heavens with her - Victor Hugo

It happened on her birthday, I don't know why. She had the words memorized before hand, as if she was reciting a cruel piece of prose. It all happened quite fast. Like when I was a child and was getting a needle from the doctor. Is that it? I would ask. The doctor would smile and say yes, that's it Christian. Well, this time, there was much more. The words were a needle but the reality was a blunt, heavy instrument.

Waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup - Damien Rice

It settled in days later when I woke up in the middle of the night, expecting to feel someone warm next to me, and there was no one. I was confused at first, then I remembered. That's right, she's gone now. That was when I first realized she wouldn't be coming back.

I want to ask where I went wrong, but don't say anything at all - Garbage

The fact that we met through mutual friends make the ending that much worse. Accidental meetings happened almost every other day. They would play out the same, she deperately wanting to be somewhere else and me trying to prolong it as much as possible. I know that sounds pathetic, but it's what I did.

There is no true love, just a finely tuned jealousy - Manic Street Preachers

I think it would have been easier if she hadn't moved on so fast. She's dating again? How do you know? Do you know who? I felt like a fool, still pining and listening to songs on repeat that reminded me of her, still keeping her love letters in the box under my bed. I tore them up that night, foolishly thinking it would be symbolic of me moving on. It just left me with less of her.

Who the hell did I think I was? - Goo Goo Dolls

Then the accidental meetings became more and more....strained. I finally lost it and let a comment slip, a quick snipe at her that everyone heard. She came back with Oh, that's mature and then it started. The yelling escalated until passers-by gave us looks and our friends intervened, seperating us and forcing us on our way. Apologies happened days later. They smoothed over the symptoms but the cause remained. It happened once more, this time I got a lot nastier. I compared her to her father, which I still regret.

Everyday, I get a little closer to vanishing - Nicole Blackman

So, I decided that it was high time I made sure we didn't have an accidental meeting again. I made it quite clear to everyone I was sequestering myself. There was to no more contact or mention. That was October 27th. It has been almost a month now. It hasn't gotten any easier. Everytime I hear a British accent, I cringe and recite my favourite poem to force my mind away. The mention of her name, even when referring to someone else, forces me to bite my lip.

Your flying wings may smite, but they can never spill
The cup fulfilled of love, from which my lips are wet;
My heart has far more fire than you can frost to chill,
My soul more love than you can make my soul forget. - Victor Hugo

And now, I can only wait. Time does not heal all wounds, but it will make us forget. Or at least remember less often. I am determined to come out of this no less cynical than I already am.

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Title: Re: I live in the numbness now, in the background
Post by Shannon on Nov 23^rd, 2006, 10:46am

I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to post this here Christian. I can tell from your words that you are someone with a deep soul who feels things all the way to the core.....which makes breakups/pain all the more difficult.

A very good friend of mine broke up with the woman he thought he was going to marry. That was almost two years ago and he's just now starting to feel again. Hang in there Christian....it will get better. Feel free to express your feelings about it here anytime. My friend has told me time and time again that if it weren't for my friendship he may not have made it. You have lots of friends here.

Title: Re: I live in the numbness now, in the background
Post by Christian on Nov 25^th, 2006, 1:54am

Thank you for your kind words Shannon.

2 years? Yikes, the poor guy. I sure hope I don't start to measure this in years.

Title: Re: I live in the numbness now, in the background
Post by Hysteria on Nov 25^th, 2006, 6:51am

I'm so sorry Christian, and I totally understand wanting people to hear you and I dont think it makes you selfish, so long as it makes you feel better, that's the main thing. The fact that you're so affected by this just shows the deep, caring person that you are, keep hanging in there, and like Shannon said, you have caring friends here for you. :)
xx

Title: Re: I live in the numbness now, in the background
Post by Shannon on Nov 27^th, 2006, 12:36am

on 11/25/06 at 01:54:32, Christian wrote:

Thank you for your kind words Shannon.

2 years? Yikes, the poor guy. I sure hope I don't start to measure this in years.

Yeah...poor guy is right. He had a really hard time letting go. But he also felt she was the one he was going to marry...she was his "one". He just kept hoping they'd get back together. Once he finally decided he needed to let go he started living again. He now has a girlfriend and is generally so much happier. But it really took him some time to get to that place. There were many ups and downs along the way. So just hang in there and take it day by day. And, one thing I always told my friend.....just ride the feelings out....feel them...work through it. It's pure hell going through it but if you want to make it out mentally/physically healthy you have to feel.

Title: Re: I live in the numbness now, in the background
Post by Christian on Nov 27^th, 2006, 7:15pm

Yeeaah, denial is not a good way to deal with it. After that last fight I tried to just act like nothing happened. I ended up vomitting and having some sort of emotional breakdown. Lesson learned!

Title: Re: I live in the numbness now, in the background
Post by iris3732 on Dec 2^nd, 2006, 3:02pm

on 11/27/06 at 00:36:46, Shannon wrote:

It's pure hell going through it but if you want to make it out mentally/physically healthy you have to feel.

I've never been in your situation but I agree with Shannon here....I think you are on your way to moving on. And maybe it's no consolation but I completely believe in the things-happen-for-a-reason philosophy. :)